As we’ve seen in this series, Successful Spiritual Leadership at Home, our assignment from God to lead our homes is much less about a position, than it is about action, movement, and direction. Spiritual leadership begins with us, ourselves, answering Christ’s call 1) to himself to enjoy a love relationship with him, 2) to be like him in our heart attitudes, 3) to implement his agenda of righteousness in every sphere of our lives with wholehearted allegiance to him. But leadership goes beyond our own commitment to becoming mature disciples. It is all about bringing our followers with us in this whole-hearted commitment to the Master. Leadership is influence, so this episode answers the question, “How do we win the hearts of our followers?” How do we maximize our influence?
History provides a striking contrast of the influence of two different men revealed through their descendants. In 1874 a prison official named Richard Dugdale was doing research for the New York Prison Commission when he was surprised to find criminals in six different prisons that were all descended from the same family. This led Dugdale to conduct an exhaustive study of 1200 people whose lineages all traced back to one man, who lived in the 1750s, to whom Dugdale assigned the fictitious name, “Max Jukes.” His research revealed these facts about Juke’s descendants:
- 310 of the 1,200 were professional paupers—more than one in four.
- 300 of the 1,200—one in four—died in infancy from lack of good care.
- 50 of the women were publicly known for lives of debauchery.
- 7 were murderers.
- 60 were habitual thieves who spent, on average, twelve years in prison.
- 130 were criminals who were convicted of crimes.
A generation later a researcher named A. W. Winship compiled records of the descendants of another man who lived during the same time period (1750s) as Max Jukes, but whose influence was the opposite. In his line of descent were:
- 1 U.S. Vice-President
- 3 U.S. Senators
- 3 governors
- 3 mayors
- 13 college presidents
- 30 judges
- 65 professors
- 100 lawyers
- 100 missionaries, pastors and theologians.
This second man’s name was Jonathan Edwards. Despite his extremely busy life as an author, pastor, theologian, and president of Princeton Seminary, Edwards stands as a striking example of one committed to being the spiritual leader of his home—the fruit of which we can see looking back at his descendants. Edwards daily lived out the three functions of leadership we have described in the leadership triangle.
1) He stayed focused on his mission to pursue Christ whole-heartedly--orange arrow across X axis. 2) He invested his time and energy in equipping his eleven kids--brown arrow across hypotenuse. Every evening before dinner, he gave them his full attention for one hour. 3) He invested in his personal relationship with each of his eleven kids--green vertical arrow up y axis. This investment in building his relationship with each child was exemplified by his practice of taking a different child with him when he traveled. The rest of this episode examines how fathers can build their relationship with their children and thus increase their influence. But before that we must see how fathers can also tear down their relationship with their child, marring their positive influence.
FOUR RELATIONSHIP BUSTERS
A. Reluctance to admit that we are wrong. Intuitively men realize they need respect from their followers in order to succeed in leading them. But we default to the wrong understanding of how to gain respect, hiding our failures, being defensive about our mistakes, and being slow to admit that we are wrong. But Scripture tells us that covering our failures is the exact wrong way to win respect from followers. Proverbs 29:23 says A person’s pride will bring him low, but a humble spirit will obtain honor. God repeatedly tells us that honor always comes after humility. Consider Prov 15:33: The fear of the Lord is the instruction for wisdom, And before HONOR comes HUMILITY or Prov 18:12: Before destruction a man's heart is haughty, but HUMILITY comes before HONOR. Our successes can sometimes build walls with our children who think to themselves, “I could never do that.” But sharing failures builds bridges into another’s life. The example they need isn’t as much to see Jesus in us as it is to see one who needs Jesus in us.
B. A critical spirit. Paul commands, Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. We men easily explode in anger and send verbal shrapnel tearing into the tender flesh of our wife, or child’s self-esteem. And when we do wound those under our care, we too often ignore what Jesus said to do about it—which leads to the next relationship buster
C. Refusal to seek forgiveness when we wrong another. In Jesus’ portrait of kingdom living he explains what to do when we wound another through words that are angry, cause another to feel stupid, or attack his character (by saying things like “You always” or “You never”). Matthew 5:22-24: I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
I am grateful that someone taught me that when I screw up I need to man-up and take responsibility for the harm it caused and seek to restore the relationship through asking for forgiveness. On one occasion, while traveling to my oldest daughter’s graduation from Covenant College, my wife got a call from Kim. She said, “I was just in a car accident and smashed the car into a mailbox.” It had been a tough year for us financially with four of our kids in college. Not realizing that my wife’s phone was NOT muted, I unthinkingly muttered to myself, “What do I have to do to get my kids to slow down in the rain?” Her younger brother had rear-ended someone in the rain a few months earlier. Kim heard my words and hung up.
We stopped at a motel part way to Covenant College and I knew what I had to do. Stepping onto the porch, I called Kim. To her credit she answered. I said, “Kim I don’t know if you can do this yet because I have really hurt you, but I am calling to ask you to forgive me. First of all, who cares about the car. What matters is that you are safe! Second, it is not fair to get mad at you when one of the other kids was driving too fast to stop in the rain. You have a great driving record and that is just not fair. So again, I’m not sure if you are ready to do this yet, because I hurt you so badly, but I’m calling to ask, “Will you forgive me?” She answered, “Of course dad.”
Three weeks later, on Memorial Day weekend, I found myself sitting on the dock of our summer cottage beside Kim, both of us kicking and splashing our feet in the water. For over thirty minutes, we had the greatest heart-to heart father daughter conversation ever—all about her dreams for getting a job in the field of teaching and how excited she was to implement so many things she had learned. I do not believe that conversation would have happened if someone had not taught me, “Gary, when you screw up and wound someone you need to man up, take responsibility for it and fix it.”
D. Selfishness. The fastest way for a leader to cause rebellion among his followers is to use his authority selfishly. Satan knows this characteristic of humans, which is why his strategy in tempting Eve was to deceive her into believing God is selfish. Listen again to Satan’s Words. “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of ANY tree in the garden’?” Do you hear the insinuation? I know God is just the kind of selfish god who would create all this lovely, delicious fruit and then tell you that you can’t eat any of it—but did he actually do that? Later, Satan directly accuses God of selfishness. The serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” God lied to you Eve; you won’t die if you eat that fruit. God just wants to selfishly keep “the knowledge of good and evil” to himself. So, Eve rebelled. When it dawned on me that selfishness drives followers away, I became convicted—why did I play sports with my kids that I like, throwing the football and playing ping pong, when they like throwing the frisbee and playing video games. How often did I choose restaurants with food I like, always watch football games when the kids liked soccer matches, and keep the TV remote in my hand? It is worth taking an inventory of our default choices. It might reveal surprising selfishness.
FIVE WAYS TO BUILD OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR FOLLOWERS
A. Through UNDERSTANDING. Here are two practical ways to build understanding:
- Go into our kids’ world just as Jesus came into our world. Jesus won our hearts by coming into our world. He is our Great High Priest who has won the right to be heard by suffering everything we have suffered. This incarnational principle of ministry is precious to me because it changed my life. When I was 16, I was a Christian, but not really following Christ. My world was my high school. I noticed a guy hanging out at our high school games with a bunch of my high school student government friends. I later found out that he was John Hartsock, a Young Life leader. Because he was so interested in MY WORLD he won my heart. I wanted to go to Young Life meetings, HIS WORLD. Trying to follow this example as a dad, I always tried to get into my kid’s world, on one occasion arranging a tour of an industrial lawn mower manufacturing company plant because my son was working there on the floor.
- Build the habit of listening well. Lyndon Johnson, had a sign on his office wall that read, “You ain’t learnin nothin when you’re doin all the talkin.” Here are five reasons why dads need to be good listeners
- Listening shows respect
- Listening builds relationships
- Listening increases knowledge
- Listening builds loyalty
- Listening helps you know how to help others and yourself (John Maxwell, Becoming a Person of Influence).
B. Through AFFIRMATION. During the launch of his ministry, God the Son heard the audible voice of God the Father who said the two things that every son and daughter most want to hear from their dads, I love you and I am proud of you. Matthew 3:17 a voice from heaven said, “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.” This father/child paradigm from heaven itself, exhibiting the words children desperately need to hear from their fathers, was a truth that the apostle Paul knew well. He wrote to the church at Thessalonica, For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory (1 Thes 2:10-11). Few things help a person the way verbal affirmation does. It is oxygen for the soul. When a person feels encouraged, he can face the impossible and overcome incredible adversity. Secular research reveals the power of encouragement. An experiment was conducted years ago to measure people’s capacity to endure pain. Psychologists measured how long a barefooted person could stand in a bucket of ice water. They found when another person was present, giving support and encouragement, the sufferers were able to endure the pain twice as long as their unencouraged counterparts (Maxwell, Becoming a Person of Influence).
C. Through COMPANIONSHIP. Jesus built his relationship with his followers through COMPANIONSHIP. In Mark 3:14, Jesus reveals to us another vital key to leadership influence. We read, He appointed twelve (whom he also named apostles) so that they might be with him and he might send them out to preach. When we realize that leadership is not an authority position but influence, it becomes obvious that there is no substitute for the time required to build a relationship of love and trust with our followers. There are two requirements for providing the companionship with our kids that they require to flourish.
1. Realize our kids spell love T-I-M-E. Here is, A Perspective On Time for Fathers
- A child cherishes a father’s presence above all else.
- You have a very short time in which to be the major influence in your children’s lives.
- Little time = little influence.
- You can’t buy back lost time.
- The world, deadlines, contracts and so forth will always be there—your children won’t. Typically they will be with you 2/7ths of your life.
- You can almost never spend too much time with your family.
- The thief in American homes today is too much screen time.
- Whatever intimacy parents and teens enjoy is almost always cultivated before the age of twelve—rarely after it.
- Out of quantity time come the quality moments.
- If you make time with children when they are young, there will be opportunities and even requests from them for time with you, when they are older.
2. Be intentional: schedule time together on your calendar. Nothing has more power to build our relationship with our kids than “dad dates.” Until my tribe reached high school, I met with a different one of my kids every Monday morning. Often it was for breakfast. Other times, it was to do something together like roller skate, learn tennis, or go to the ice-skating rink. “Grandpa dates” may be even more powerful. A friend of mine takes each of his grandchildren out for some kind of fun activity, usually on Saturdays. One of his most recent grandpa dates was hiking the trails at Carderock, overlooking the Potomac River at Great Falls.
D. Through COMPASSION. The hearts of Jesus’ followers were drawn to the compassion Jesus had for the broken and hurting. As Mark recounts the following story, the wording reveals that the source of this eyewitness account, almost certainly Peter, was not just struck by Jesus’ healing but by the depth of Jesus’ compassion. And a leper came to Jesus, beseeching Him and falling on his knees before Him, and saying, “If You are willing, You can make me clean.” Moved with compassion, Jesus stretched out His hand and touched him, and said to him, “I am willing; be cleansed.” Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed (Mark 1: 40-42). All believers are called to tenderhearted compassion, but it is essential if you want to influence others. Paul writes to the Colossians, Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts (Col 3:12).
Simply stated, all followers want to know that their leader cares about them. Such care is revealed by noticing their pain, being inwardly moved by it, and doing something to remove it if they can. Compassionate adults enter into another’s pain, but that does not mean helping them languish in it. When our child falls off the swing, it is equally important to say, “that hurts” and help them brush it off and get back up on the swing.
E. Through ATTENTIVENESS TO THEIR PRACTICAL NEEDS. There is a strong connection in Scripture between serving by meeting practical needs and love. Paul commanded the Galatians, “Be servants to one another in love.” But it is perhaps the Apostle John who saw this connection most clearly. He wrote: Having loved his own who were in the world, Jesus loved them to the end…. so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him. One of the best ways to win another’s heart is to notice one’s practical needs and assist with meeting them. It is sacrificing for the sake of another. Jesus said, the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Wise Dads look for ways to assist their wives and kids with their tasks. Proactive dads say, “I love you” when they stuff a twenty in their college kid’s hands, wash her car before she heads back to college, stay up past midnight to help with a school project he didn’t budget his time well to accomplish. Paying attention to another’s practical needs and giving assistance to meet them is the universal language of love.
Our influence upon our children is very largely the result of the quality of our love relationship with them. That is the testimony of Dan Huff who looked back upon his parents’ influence. He recalls:
When I got to the point one time of saying, ‘I’m going to rebel, I’m out of here, I can’t deal with my folks! They don’t know what they’re talking about!’ I remember thinking very specifically, ‘I can’t rebel against them—they love me too much!” And I hated them for that! Now this may sound odd, but at that point I couldn’t rebel. I wasn’t an angel, but I couldn’t turn my back on that kind of love. I wanted to, and that’s what made me angry. If there had been any flaws in the ways they loved me or any hypocrisy on their part, any dishonesty or patronizing from them, then I think I would have found my hole and escaped through it. But I couldn’t find that hole…Let me close with one statement that says it all. My dad was the best man in his three sons’ weddings.
For Further Prayerful Thought
- In what ways did Jonathan Edwards demonstrate what it takes to be a successful spiritual leader at home?
- What relationship busters are you most concerned about committing?
- Which of the following relationship builders do you think is most important for you to focus upon in your spiritual leadership at home: understanding, affirmation, companionship, compassion, attentiveness to practical needs?
