Someone has said, “Christians are educated way beyond their level of obedience.” I don’t know about you—but that is certainly true of ME. Don’t get me wrong, I am in the PCA. I love biblical truth and trying to figure out how to base our lives upon it. But, more often than not, I know what I should do; I just don’t want badly enough to do it—especially badly enough to keep doing it over the long haul. My struggle with obedience is more about the LACK of MOTIVATION than IGNORANCE. But fortunately, my heavenly father is a MOTIVATOR.
Just last evening about 8:30 PM, I said to the Lord, “Father I’m really getting discouraged about how tough the men’s ministry spiritual battle is—and especially the battle in our nation over God’s design of gender. Lord, my work can’t be about me or MY success; I don’t need or want that. But I think I need some encouragement right now.” In less than an hour, I had a phone call with someone who had spoken with a Maryland State delegate who wants a copy of my book, Our Daughter and the Transgender Craze, who reported how well his first meeting with two buddies going through my book Got Your Back went, and who ordered 8 more copies of GYB—because he wants to give each of his two boys enough copies for both of them to go get some brothers to be their spiritual battle buddies, when they return to college. God is a heavenly father who knows his children’s continual need for encouragement. This episode examines his example, why our kids need our fatherly encouragement, and some concrete ways to give that encouragement to them.
This is the last episode in our June series, Loving Our Kids with the Fatherly Love of God. If you’ve missed the earlier episodes, I hope you’ll go back to the June 5 blog, when we talked about how vital it is for us to soak in the unconditional love of God, so our tank is filled, and we are empowered by the Holy Spirit to give that love to our wives and kids. Then we saw how two biblical writers, Solomon and the writer of Hebrews, in explaining the need to endure painful experiences, appealed to a creation principle that they assumed their audience would understand—all loving fathers discipline their children. In fact, this is such a foundational parenting truth that Prov 13:24 says parents who don’t discipline their kids, HATE them. Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. Last week we saw that loving fathers guide their kids in the way they should go. One of the first things God did, after he had led Israel whom he calls “his son” out of slavery in Egypt (a biblical picture of enslavement to sin) was to give the Ten Commandments. This week we examine another striking picture of fatherhood exhibited by God the Father towards Christ, his Son. We read.
And when Jesus was baptized, immediately he went up from the water, and behold, the heavens were opened to him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and coming to rest on him; and a voice from heaven said, “This is my BELOVED Son, WITH WHOM I AM WELL PLEASED” (Matt 3:16-17).
I believe that this text is one of the most profound in Scripture describing the father/son paradigm that God the Father and God the Son model. Here, and again on the Mt of Transfiguration, God the Father says the two things to God the Son that every son and daughter most want to hear from their father: I love you and I am proud of you. In the last forty years, a whole field of Christian Psychology has emerged that recognizes the profound need children have for the affirmation of their father. No matter how successful, how affectionate, or how committed to Christ a father might be, unless the dad regularly follows the pattern of God the Father in verbally affirming his child’s character, the child will have an emotional deficit, which has been labeled the father wound. I know that psychobabble is overdone and often excuses are found for sinful behavior. But in this case, I believe such findings make sense. The Father’s relationship with The Son is the paradigm for all father-child relationships, and the audible, verbal affirmation, “in whom I am well-pleased” is striking.
FIVE REASONS OUR KIDS NEED OUR WORDS OF PRAISE
1. Because of what kids are up against: Research shows:
- Parents give 10 negative comments to every positive comment
- Schools give 18 negative comments to every positive comment
- When kids enter the first grade 80% have a positive view of themselves. When leave 6th grace that slips to 10%. (Focus on the Family study)
- Kids receive 15,000 negative statements by graduation
We do see a current-day over-reaction to this focus on self-image, i.e., being afraid to “stifle” a child’s development by correcting his wrong behavior or saying anything negative to him —the “everyone gets a trophy” movement. That is not what the Bible teaches. The wrong way to build up a child is to throw away any standards of right, wrong, winning, and losing. The biblical approach is that just as we catch our kids doing wrong and we must punish that behavior, we must catch them doing right, and affirm that behavior. If we only catch them doing wrong and don’t equally praise them for right attitudes, we will crush their self-esteem.
2. Because in God’s design of children, every child wants to hear her father’s words, “I’m proud of you.” This inference is from the pattern of The Father’s words of approval of Jesus, but it also very visible in everyday human experience. Listen to the words of actor-director Kevin Costner.
“I guess like most kids what I most wanted was to please. I still care a lot what people think of me. I wanted to be liked by my dad, most of all. I still do. As a kid, when my dad was coming home, my brother and I used to wait for him. He was a working guy, a lineman for Edison, and we used to race to undo the laces of his boots. My brother’d take the left boot, and I’d take the right, just really glad my dad was there. I wanted so much to please him.”
This heart attitude of kids towards their dads may be what Proverbs 17:6 is referring to when it says, the glory of children is their fathers. I will never forget a short news clip of President George W Bush I noticed as he was about to board Air Force 1 the morning after he’d won re-election to the presidency. The race hadn’t been called until 3 AM—and the most powerful man in the world’s comment was. “Yeah, my dad went to bed before then so I didn’t get to see the look of pride in his eyes to know his son had won reelection.” One of the most powerful drives in the heart of a child is to hear his father say, “Well done.” “I’m proud of you.”
3. Because EVERY HUMAN is wired to be highly motivated by praise. In Jesus’ parable of the talents, in Matt 25:14ff, Jesus appeals to the human desire of the servant to hear the words, “well done” from his master. In Prov 31, God motivates women to be virtuous in character by saying that their husbands will praise them, their children will praise them, and even God himself states they are worthy of praise: A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. Praise is a tremendous human motivator. Fathers must give their children the spiritual power that comes from praising their Christ-like character qualities.
The power of praise became obvious to me some years ago in an incident with my second-born son. One morning, four-year-old Tim got up before the rest of the family, went down to the kitchen, and proceeded to set the table for breakfast. He pulled the chair over to the cabinet, got down the bowls, found the boxes of cereal, and climbed up to the top refrigerator shelf to get the milk. When I arrived in the kitchen and saw what Tim had done, I raved about it, saying, “Tim, you’ve just shown a godly character trait called initiative—recognizing and doing what needs to be done before you are asked to do it.” He answered, “Yeah . . . aniffitiff!” When each of the other five family members arrived at the breakfast table, I praised Tim to them. Guess what I found Tim doing the next morning? Yes, setting the table again. Verbal affirmation is incredibly powerful!
4. Because praising a child’s character sets his focus on developing godly heart attitudes. It teaches him TO WIN APPROVAL, not by his outward appearance or athletic prowess, which they cannot control. Setting their focus on godly character is what God does with humans. He appeals to women’s God-given desire to be beautiful. Peter writes, Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. David appeals to his son’s desire to be strong with the words on his deathbed, I am about to go the way of all the earth. Be strong, and show yourself a man, and keep the charge of the Lord your God, walking in his ways, keeping his statutes, his commandments, his rules, and his testimonies, as it is written in the Law of Moses, that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you turn (1 Kings 2:2-3).
5. Because Scripture tells us it is a father’s job to encourage. Paul wrote to the church at Thessalonica, For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory (1 Thes 2:11-12). What this passage teaches is that fathers are to be master motivators. Let’s dig into this text in more detail to discover how brilliantly Paul motivated the Thessalonians
HOW TO MOTIVATE: (Principles from 1 Thessalonians 2:12)
A. We ENCOURAGED you. The Greek word, PARAMUTHIA, from PARA, alongside + MUTHOS, speak, implies speaking closely to another with a degree of tenderness, i.e., comforting, or consoling. This emotional support usually regards the present and past. Here are specific ways to send a message that comforts and emotionally supports our kids:
- Be present at home, at his games, in his world. Your presence, like nothing else, proves his importance to you and thus his value. 1500 school children were asked, “What do you think makes a happy family?” They did not answer, “a big screen TV,” “the latest iPhone,” or “getting to play video games all day.” The most frequent answer was, “doing things together.” If our kids leave home at roughly 20 and we live to be roughly 70, our kids will only be at home 2/7ths of it. We need to conquer the world the other 5/7ths.
- When our child goes through sorrow, it is also valuable to remember that our presence is usually the best comfort. I am reminded of the little girl who went to comfort the mother of a playmate who died. When she came back, her own mother asked her what she had done to comfort the other mother. The little girl replied, “I just climbed up on her lap and cried with her.”
- Consoling others means offering them our presence, but also our ears and hearts. Jeanne Doering, in her book, The Power of Encouragement writes: Paul Tournier, considered one of the great all time people-helpers was asked one time to share his secret for counseling. He replied, “I don’t know how to help people. I simply listen and love and try to provide a safe place where people can come and report on their progress without any judgement.” Listening means offering our uncondemning attention so a person can talk out his confused feelings. When the hurting person wants to talk about the crisis—or his anger or his guilt—the listener should not try to change the subject. The details may be retold several times, with the same ideas expressed, but the process will lead to healing.
B. We EXHORTED you. The Greek word is PARAKALEO, from PARA, alongside + KALEO, to call means to motivate another to pursue a specific path. The exhorter entreats, urges, advises another to pursue some course of conduct. It is always PROSPECTIVE, looking to the future, unlike consoling PARAMUTHIA, which comforts in the midst of present pain, which is often from past events.
- Forward-looking exhortation can center around confidence that he has what it takes, e.g. “I know you will figure out how to get through this,” “I know you’ll make the right decision,” “You have what it takes to be a great coach.” “Son, you have what it takes to be a real man.” “My daughter if anyone can pull it off you can.”
- Exhorting can also be casting a vision, e.g., “Someday you need to write a book on how to love your wife well,” or “You excel at biology and have great people skills, I bet you’d be a great doctor.” “You are so good at sharing your faith that I bet you will lead a lot of people to Jesus when you get to college.” Jesus cast a vision for Peter’s future when he said, I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it (Matt 16:18). Children fear failure and anything you can do to visualize achievement for them motivates them.
- Another form of exhortation for the future has to do with overcoming adversity, saying things like,
--It’s too soon to quit.
--The most meaningless statistic in a ball game is the score at halftime.
--By perseverance, the snail reached the ark.
--Excellence is on the far side of hard work.
--A diamond is a piece of coal that stayed on the job.
--From Vince Lombardi, “Press on. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence” --the favorite quotation of Ray Kroc, founder of McDonalds.
--From famous British Field Marshal, the Duke of Wellington, My men are not braver than other troops. They are just brave five minutes longer.
--From Teddy Roosevelt, There is no effort without error and shortcoming.
- This word exhorter (PARAKLETE) was also used in the Geek world for a legal advocate, someone who advocates FOR YOU. Paul Lewis, in his book, The Five Key Habits of Smart Dads, writes:
All children need to know that someone is there pulling for them, that someone in the stands is cheering them on. More important, children need to know that their fathers are there to encourage them. Because children look first and most to their parents for that encouragement, a cheerleading father helps his son discover his competence, helps his daughter perceive her ability to be successful, useful, self-actualized. You see this phenomenon every weekend at athletic events and school plays. When dad is on the sidelines encouraging his child, the child plays better. When dad is in the audience, the child performs the best. A child may still excel without her father there to watch her, but the achievement is not as sweet.
C. Back in 1 Thes 2:12 Paul, the master motivator continues to summarize his appeal to the church. He starts out with, For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you—which we’ve just looked at—and continues, and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory. In 5 ways he appealed to the heart of the Thessalonian believers.
5 Ways Paul’s Words Appeal to the Heart (From 1 Thes 2:13)
- We charged you. Paul’s words to them were no “Dear Abby” advice. They were a solemn reminder of the seriousness of the covenant commitment into which they had entered with God himself. The word, charged, is the word for “witness”, which probably points back to Paul’s authority as an apostle who had to have been an eye witness to the resurrection of Christ. Paul was saying, “this is serious stuff.”
- To walk in a manner worthy of God. We saw that an exhortation is urging someone to pursue a specific course of action. In this case it is to walk, i.e. travel through life, in a specific way: with a scale in the back of your mind. On the one side of the scale is the glory of who God is—his righteousness, holiness goodness, wisdom, his choice of us to regenerate and draw to himself, most of all his costly love for us on the cross. On the other side of the scale is the kind of response this kind of God deserves—the level of allegiance that is fitting to such a king, the whole-hearted, all-in commitment of which this God alone is worthy.
- Who calls you. Being a Christian is not about signing your name to a membership role, or about joining a club—it is a personal response to Jesus’ personal call to YOU. My brother-in-law used to say to his football team, “Your physical ability to play on this football team is GOD’S gift to YOU. What you do with that ability is YOUR gift to GOD.” There is tremendous motivation in understanding that our faith is a personal call from Jesus to follow him. Os Guiness writes: Do you want to accept a challenge that will be the integrating dynamic of your whole life? One that will engage your loftiest thoughts, your most dedicated exertions, your deepest emotions, all your abilities and resources, to the last step you take and the last breath you breathe? Listen to Jesus of Nazareth; answer his call.
- Into his own kingdom. Christ’s kingdom is the sphere of redeemed, i.e. "fixed" humanity. Christ has overthrown Satan, sin, and death and begun to restore everything broken by sin. The place where Jesus leads us to follow him is the path of wholeness and life. Moreover, the great calling of kingdom membership is to be empowered by the Holy Spirit to live a redeemed life—pointing to Jesus by our character and the way we live as well as stopping the decay of sin in this world by being salt. What greater purpose could there be in life? –Paul continues to motivate his readers one more way.
- And glory. Paul inspires the Thessalonian believers with the future that awaits them. Using different words, he did the same thing for the Corinthian believers reminding them, What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived are the things God has prepared for those who love him. (1Cor 2:9).
Everyone needs encouragement, and fathers are especially called to become master motivators!
For Further Prayerful Thought
- How would you support an argument to a friend that children need fathers who are master motivators?
- What stood out about how the two words Paul uses encourage—PARAMUTHIA and exhort—PARAKALEO differ? Why are both important parts of motivating our children.
- Which elements of Paul’s brief description of his motivational approach charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory stood out most to you—as encouragement for your own walk with God.
