This week in preparation for Valentine’s Day coming up this Friday, I decided to interrupt our series on Effective Spiritual Leadership at Home to post a special Pre-Valentine's Day episode that we produced in 2021 to examine a huge cause of marriage failure that sneaks up on many men, even Christian men, who never see it coming.
A careful examination of what divorcees say was missing in their marriages reveals time and again that what was lost was the closeness that we call intimacy. Of course, there are many factors that contribute to the loss of closeness, but here is a primary one. During the dating and engagement phases of a relationship, sharing hearts and lives is easy. Feeling close is effortless. So, we enter marriage expecting intimacy to just happen, especially with the additional benefit of living together and having regular sex. But it doesn’t just happen. The intimacy required for successful marriage happens because a couple devotes themselves to pursuing that intimacy in their relationship. This episode looks into Scripture for the wisdom to know how to do that.
Our topic today is God’s design of marriage. I know that this topic does not leave the single guys out because I, myself did not marry until I was 31—but in my single years I wanted to learn as much about successful marriage as I could, BEFORE I made the plunge. If you are married, this episode might be also be one that you want to share with your wife.
GOD’S DESIGN OF MARRAIGE
A. A fundamental purpose of the male-female love union in marriage is to reflect the image of God. Man cannot fully bear God’s image in isolation. God exists as the Trinity, the union of three persons who love one another, which is why we are told, God is love (1 John 4:8). So, we read in Genesis, Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness...’ So God created man in his own imagine, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (1:26-27).
B. A second purpose of marriage is to give us a foretaste of the joy we will experience when we are forever united in love to Christ our bridegroom. We, the church, are betrothed to Christ as his bride. The final return of Christ to receive us to himself is portrayed as the wedding of the lamb. The richest pleasures of sexual union are a type, a foreshadow of the intense joy that will be ours when we are united to Christ. This astonishing truth is spelled out by Paul, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church (Eph. 5:31-32).
C. A third purpose for marriage is revealed in the creation account, where marriage is designed by God to overcome the aloneness of Adam. Each part of the creation narrative closes with God’s statement: “And it was GOOD,” until the creation of man. After Adam is created, God says. “It is NOT GOOD that man should be alone. In naming the animals Adam realizes that none can be a true partner to him. They cannot overcome his loneliness. So, God creates woman to be his partner, soul mate, and lover. The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. (Gen 2:18).
These three purposes come together in a single, clear, focus: God’s goal for marriage is a LOVING INTIMACY between husband and wife! Eve is created with a spirit, heart, and body which correspond to Adam’s. She is bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh. Marriage is the joining together of two lives (mind, will, and emotions) and the joining of bodies: Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh (Gen 2:24). Marriage is given as the one safe arena where husband and wife are naked, body, soul, and spirit--laid bare and vulnerable to each other.
Adam and Eve’s like natures, combined with their covenant pledge of unconditional love, make safe the experience of baring their hearts and bodies to one another. It enables them to experience LOVING INTIMACY, i.e. oneness of spirit, oneness of heart, oneness of body. The goal of marriage, then is to be able to be naked, body and soul, and be so loved and accepted that you never feel ashamed. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. Gen. 2:25. An old-fashioned way to express God’s goal for our marriages is the word intercourse. Intercourse means, literally, connection between persons. It is both conversational interaction that connects two SOULS, and sexual interaction, which connects two BODIES. God wants Christian couples to proactively pursue his goal for their marriage—INTIMACY—both the union of soul and union of body. Let’s dig a little deeper.
1. Loving each other in a God-honoring marriage means pursuing CONVERSATION, which leads to oneness of SOUL. Sharing our experiences, feelings, ideas, plans, hopes and dreams is the path to the oneness of soul God wants married couples to enjoy. It requires making time regularly to talk in a relaxed way that allows mates to open their hearts to one another and active listening, seeking to understand our mate’s feelings and ideas. It means overlooking our mate’s weaknesses and deficiencies, so they are not afraid to be known as they really are but instead feel safe, accepted, and valued. It is to know the joy of sharing with another the deepest secrets of each other’s hearts and feeling understood. It is to never feel alone because you are walking through life hand in hand with your soul mate. Barbara Rosberg, in her book jointly written with her husband, gives us a crisp picture of the target:
The word, “intimacy” comes from a Latin word that means “innermost.” What this translates into for those of us in the marriage relationship is a vulnerable sharing of our inner thoughts, feelings, spirit, and true self. Both men and women need to feel secure in this sharing and confident of their spouse’s support. This support is achieved through listening, empathy, prayer, or reassurance. (The 5 Love Needs of Men and Women).
2. Loving each other in a God-honoring marriage will also mean pursuing LOVE-MAKING, which leads to oneness of BODY. Numerous studies show a strong correlation between a couples’ satisfaction with the marriage and their satisfaction with their sex life. In Song of Songs, God enters and the bridal chamber, where the newlyweds lay entwined in each other’s arms and urges, ‘Eat friends: drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers (5:1). Sexual union is the outward, physical expression of the inner emotional and spiritual reality of ONENESS. It is similar, in this sense, to communion. The wine and bread are OUTWARD PHYSICAL signs and seals, which point to an INNER SPIRITUAL reality—feeding on Christ for spiritual nourishment. Sexual union is an OUTWARD PHYSICAL joining of two bodies which express the INNER SPIRITUAL union of two hearts—giving each other the nourishment of love. Just as celebrating communion strengthens our love relationship with Christ, so sexual union strengthens our love relationship with our spouse. Pastor’s wife, Anne Ortland points out:
Lovemaking is the most practical, binding, and enriching experience of all married love. There is one person who knows you and wants to know you more, better than anyone but God. And that’s why God gave you sex, to interact at the deepest possible human levels. Your sex life as a married couple will make your self-esteem go up or down. (Sex in a Growing Marriage audio).
The Biblical design for loving intimacy in marriage exalts BOTH oneness of soul and oneness of body. Biblically, the human body is not considered inferior to the soul, nor the soul inferior to the body. Joining bodies in sex apart from joining lives in marriage is condemned as wrong (1 Thes 4:3). Joining lives in marriage without joining bodies in sex is also condemned as wrong (1 Cor 7:5). Biblically, body and soul belong together. Unlike pagan philosophies like Gnosticism, Christianity has always upheld a high view of the physical body and therefore of sexual union. There is no biblical reason to think God takes any less pleasure in a married couple’s sexual union than in their spiritual union. God designed them for both.
THE INTIMACY MISCONNECT
Christian counselor Gary Rosberg observes this reality in the counseling room. He writes, “No matter how many times I hear couples lament their differences in the counseling room, or at conferences, it is the same story. Men spell intimacy S-E-X, and women spell it T-A-L-K. (The Five Love Needs of Men and Women).
A. Normally a WIFE’s deepest yearning is for intimacy of HEART and SOUL. A wife longs for spiritual oneness and emotional closeness. She yearns to share at the level of the heart. Barbara Rosberg, in the same book, reveals, After, ‘unconditional love,’ women indicated that emotional intimacy was their second most important need. For a wife, spiritual/emotional oneness precedes sexual desire. She needs to feel in love, in order to want to make love. Sex is a celebration of the closeness she already feels, which enables her to open up her body to him. Rosberg tries to explain this feminine hardwiring to husbands,
Men, your sex drive is connected to your eyes; You become aroused visually. Your wife’s sex drive is connected to her heart; she is aroused only after she feels emotional closeness and harmony…You feel less masculine if your wife resists your sexual advances. Your wife feels like a machine if she doesn’t experience sexual intimacy flowing from emotional intimacy (Ibid).
B. In God's design a HUSBAND’s strongest INTIMACY yearning is usually for oneness of BODY—sex. What makes him feel intimately connected to his wife is sex. Her eagerness to make love to him makes him feel loved and wanted. The yearning for oneness that God put into him is felt by him primarily as a yearning for sexual union. For him, sexual union brings back his feelings of closeness to his wife and feelings of love for her. He needs to make love in order to feel in love. Sexual arousal stirs his feelings for his wife. Her receptivity assures him that he is wanted. Sexual release makes him feel one with his wife inclining him to open up to her about other things he is feeling. God built husbands with hormones that drive most men to desire sexual release frequently. Writers, Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus try to explain the male sex drive to wives:
A man has 17 sexual glands. Like millions of Energizer Bunnies these glands work day and night, producing semen, which is stored in an inner sack in the testes. When the sack fills up, his testes tell his brain, “Do something quick before I explode.” A man’s need for sex is not all in his mind; his sexual command center demands release from the accumulated buildup (Intimate Issues).
In a perfect world, making love refills the husband’s emotional tank. He feels his love for his woman, which helps him think of her, make time to listen to her heart, etc. which makes her feel close to him. Her feelings of oneness with her husband awaken her desire to make love, so she eagerly welcomes his advances, etc. Ideally, this wonderful cycle fills their hearts with love for each other.
REAL MARRIAGE
A. Emotional intimacy gets harder to maintain. When the “honeymoon phase” is over, our differences and the self-centeredness of our fallen nature begin to make themselves felt. Busy schedules and long to-do lists replace the delightful hours of sharing during courtship. Intimacy of HEART and SOUL begins to fade. It gets harder and harder to find time to talk. Conversation begins to center around the decisions and needs of the family—not the deep feelings of the heart. Disagreements on some subjects place them off limits for discussion, which further contributes to isolation. Career responsibilities increase, demanding greater time and energy. Couples drift more and more into their own worlds. In one study, 83% percent of women felt that their husbands don’t even know the basic needs of a woman for emotional intimacy (Arterburn & Stoeker, Every Woman’s Desire.) Unintentionally, husbands rob their wives of the companionship and closeness they need in marriage. In view of how our wives are hardwired, here are two vital commitments we, husbands need to make to Christ, if we are to love them well:
1. Commit to the time and energy required to hear and understand what is going on in her heart and to share what is going on in yours. The first achievement for the condition of understanding is the will to understand, writes Paul Tournier, the second condition is expressing oneself…In order to express oneself, there must be a feeling of warm and kind receptivity and of attentive listening (To Understand Each Other). What husbands don’t realize is that just as their wife’s eagerness to make love to him makes him feel loved, HIS EAGERNESS TO LISTEN TO HOW HER DAY WENT makes her feel loved. And just as her lack of interest in sex makes him feel rejected, HIS LACK OF INTEREST IN HEARING WHAT IS GOING ON IN HER HEART makes her feel rejected.
2. Don’t allow yourself to become too emotionally close to a woman who is not your wife. The fact that emotional closeness precedes the awakening of a woman’s sexual desires is a sobering warning to us. So is the fact that so many married women are not having their emotional intimacy needs met by their husbands. Other than perhaps a drunken one-night stand on a business trip—affairs almost never start with sex but with getting too close as friends. Men, we have to have emotional boundaries, and help our wives set emotional boundaries that protect our hearts. Here are a few:
- Don’t get into an ongoing discussion with a woman about her marriage or yours.
- Be known as a warm, caring, listening guy—but don’t treat any one woman at work specially. Being made to feel special IS romance to a woman.
- Be especially guarded with either a woman you work with closely in your job or ministry, or one you know happens to be especially attractive to you.
- Don’t talk to a woman other than your wife about sexual things.
B. In real marriage before long, SEXUAL intimacy also becomes less frequent and passion begins to cool. Busy schedules and tired bodies leave less energy for sex. Lovemaking can become infrequent, predictable and boring. Often, lovemaking slips to low priority. A wife’s sexual desires get buried under the weight of the responsibility she feels for the kids, her home, her career, church, etc. Husbands often express affection only when they want sex rather than regularly filling their wives’ emotional tank with non-sexual affection. Wives can feel used and start to lose interest in sex. Husbands can get resentful, feeling that their wife takes care of everyone else’s needs, but that their sexual needs (which, righteously ONLY SHE can satisfy) are low priority. A reluctant wife causes even Christian men to think “It’s just easier not to bother my wife. I’ll find sexual release through porn and masturbation." Here are two commitments to help our marriages to stay sexually vibrant.
1. Get into an accountability relationship with a brother who asks, “Have you looked this week at sexually explicit material?” Our sex drive is a precious gift to be shared only with our wife or future wife. Love her too much to let Satan get away with corrupting your sexual desires. (But don’t ever let such accountability be shame-based but built upon a grace-driven understanding that Christ’s shed blood and love are more powerful than the ugliest of my sexual sins.)
2. Commit to helping your wife understand that the biblical goal of marriage is intimacy from pursuing both conversational interaction, which connects two hearts, and sexual interaction, which connects two bodies. Specifically, help her understand the biblical teaching that for married Christians in the battle for sexual purity, the best defense is a great offense. In Proverbs 5, God says to married men fighting for sexual purity, Rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman (vs 17-19)? Help her understand God’s design of your sex drive. Very few women realize that although they need to FEEL in love to want to MAKE love, their husbands need to MAKE love to FEEL in love. The masculine sex drive is not just an itch that men want scratched; it is God’s physiological design to drive them back into the arms of their wives where, surrounded by thir welcoming warmth, acceptance and care, they realize again how precious their woman is to them and renew their desire to love her with all their heart.
I want to close our time by letting you know about some tools to help you and your wife pursue emotional and sexual intimacy together. One is the short, 75- page booklet, Intimacy: God’s Design for Marriage: Three Conversational Dates to Rediscover Intimacy in Your Marriage, written by my wife Sandy and me after we pushed through a major intimacy misconnect in our marriage. It is written so it can be read and used in the form of three dates together. It is available only on my website forgingbonds.org where you can read just a few of the many stories of marriages impacted by this book. A second, FREE resource is a series of questions for you to go through together, perhaps on Valentine’s Day that will help you get on the same page in the pursuit of emotional and sexual intimacy. These questions are below.
For Further Prayerful Thought:
- What stood out to you about the purposes for which God’s design for marriage?
- What is the significance to you of remembering that marriage is both the joining of two lives (mind, will, and emotions) exhibited by leaving home, and the joining of two bodies in sex?
- When it comes to emotional intimacy, do you have more trouble opening up to your wife about what is going on inside or in helping her open up about what is going on inside her?
- If you are married, is there another woman in your spheres of life with whom you need to be more vigilant—not to allow yourselves to get too emotionally close?
VALENTINE’S DAY QUESTIONS FOR COUPLES
FUN
1. What’s the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?
2. If you could be any cartoon character for a day, who would you be and why?
3. What’s the funniest movie you’ve ever seen?
4. If you could have an unlimited supply of one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
5. If you could have any animal as a pet, no matter how wild, what would you choose?
WARM UP
1. What do you remember most about your first date?
2. Share two things you most appreciate about your mate.
EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
Husband to Wife
1. What regular tasks in taking care of the family do you dislike the most or find most difficult?
2. How can I help you shoulder your load at home?
3. How can I better help you share your heart with me?
4. What family problems do you feel need to be addressed?
5. What are the worries and concerns that are weighing heavily on your heart?
6. How can I best help you feel cherished by me?
7. How can I support your use of your gifts that go beyond the home?
Wife to Husband
1. How best can I help you when your emotional tank is on empty?
2. What gets you down most at work? When there is something weighing heavily on you at work how can I best help you share it?
3. How can I support your spiritual leadership in our home.
4. Do I tell you often enough what I admire and respect about you?
SEXUAL INTIMACY
1. How do you feel about discussing sexual intimacy on this date?
2. Why do you think God invented sex?
3. What is one thing you appreciate about the other as your lover?
4. What sexual activities do you find most exciting?
5. Is there anything else about our love-making that you want to tell me?
