What Our Wives Need to Flourish

What Our Wives Need to Flourish

No man who walks down his wedding aisle intends to fail in his marriage; but many do, including Christians. This episode looks at one of the most critical investments the spiritual leader of his home makes—into the heart of his wife, because their bond is the very foundation of their home.

A wise mentor taught me that in God’s design of the dance of male and female, the man initiates, the woman responds. A man looks for a woman to love, the woman looks for a man who loves her. Jesus set his unconditional love upon his bride and drew her to himself with the cords of love. Husbands provide what their wives need to flourish. That is what the word “husband” means. It has agricultural roots and means “to cultivate,” as a farmer tenderly cares for his cattle from the time they are calves and his crops from the time they are seedlings. When a wife receives from her husband the various ingredients of love she requires to thrive, she flourishes as the woman she was created to be, richly nourishing others around her.

7 REASONS FOR INVESTING IN WHAT HER HEART NEEDS

  1. It is Scripture’s fundamental call to husbands. “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” The word used for love is AGAPE, which means to sacrifice whatever is necessary to provide what another needs. All Christian men would take a bullet for their wives; men are great at the heroic. But it is the mundane, little, everyday decisions to die to ourselves to meet her needs, that is the challenge—especially since we don’t know what her heart needs to thrive. Let’s just admit it! The female heart is a mystery to us! But figuring out what she needs and providing it is our assignment to love her.
  2. Her partnership is our greatest asset. It is simple logic that our top priority as leader must be our leadership team. Her physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing is our highest priority because her assistance is our greatest asset.
  3. Building a strong marriage is the best investment we can make in our children. Statistics show that children who grow up in homes with both moms and dads do better physically, economically, emotionally, spiritually and socially.
  4. The calling of manhood is to PROVIDE. Adam was put in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it (AVAD), which means providing whatever is required for garden residents to reach their full potential. Pouring heart nutrients like confidence, encouragement and affirmation into our wife’s heart enables her to flourish.
  5. The calling of manhood is to PROTECT. Adam was placed in the Garden of Eden to keep it (SHAMAR), which means to protect it from physical, emotional, and spiritual harm. We need to watch over our wives’ hearts so that destructive emotions like fear, worry, despondency, and depression don’t harm them.
  6. She is hardwired to respond when you pour love into her. John says, “We love because He first loved us.” The origin of a husband’s love is not his wife’s lovability but his commitment to love her, just as Jesus’ love for us is rooted not in our behavior but in his decision to love us. But when a woman’s heart is fully nourished, she instinctively loves those around her, especially her family.
  7. The most distinctive part of married love—sexual union—is designed to work best when wives thrive emotionally. A wife needs to feel romantically connected to her husband to want to make love to him. Knowing how to romance her so their sexual relationship thrives is not selfish but biblical (Prov 5:19) and in fact strategic, according to Paul, for avoiding sexual immorality.

7 INGREDIENTS OF LOVE TO CAUSE OUR WIVES TO FLOURISH

A. The need to feel understood. In college, I read a statement by Christian Counselor Paul Tournier, which profoundly changed my understanding of relationships: “No one can develop freely in this world and find a full life without feeling understood by at least one person. Misunderstood, he loses his self-confidence, he loses his faith in life or even in God. He is blocked and he regresses” (To Understand One Another). The nakedness of marriage makes it the primary place where God intends for your wife (and you) to feel understood. So, not surprisingly, in 1 Peter 3:7, Peter commands, Husbands, live with your wives in an UNDERSTANDING way. “Your wife’s first need” says Peter, “is for you to understand her, which means discovering what is going on in her heart. Literally this text says, dwell-together according to knowledge. The Greek word used here for knowledge, GINOSKO, indicates a relationship between the knower and what is known, which progresses into deeper understanding. Peter says, “Husbands, as you dwell together with your woman, she needs you to UNDERSTAND her, which means finding out what is going on inside her.” There is only one way to meet this profound need of every wife’s heart: Listen well to help her reveal her soul.

5 Skills for Effective Listening

1. Pay attention. Our wives can sense whether we are listening to them or not. Starting to open up but then observing that you don’t care enough about what she’s sharing to listen sends the message, “You aren’t important to me.”

2. Practice “shutupping.” Good husbanding does start with asking questions about her day. But once she starts to answer, we shouldn’t divert the conversation away from what she is saying by interjecting more questions. Rather we must shut up.

3. Use body language that shows you are engaged with what she is sharing. If she starts to well-up always move physically towards her and perhaps show the kind of touch, hand on shoulder, or hug that fits the moment. Lock your eyes to hers.

4. Listen for the deeper meaning behind the words, especially her FEELINGS. Tournier continues. “Through speech men tend to express ideas and communicate information. Women speak to express feelings, emotions.” I discovered this truth as a pastor, when I called a mom in our congregation who had four kids. I casually asked, “Kathy, how are you doing?” She answered, “Well I’ve got four nooses up on our porch. I’m about to hang all four of my kids.” After I got off the phone, I asked my wife, “Do I need to worry about what Kathy said?” Sandy laughed and said, “Honey, Kathy was just telling you how she FEELS. That’s what women do!”

5. Occasionally, mirror back to her what you think she just said. The goal is to cause your bride to feel like you are trying to understand what she is feeling because you cherish her. Here are a few phrases you can use: “so, from your point of view…,” “it sounds like your feeling…,” “it seems like….” In my opinion a wife’s greatest need is to feel understood. That happens through her husband’s skillful listening, which helps her reveal what is going on in her heart.

B. The need to feel honored in her role as wife and mom. After calling husbands to provide understanding for their wives, Peter continues, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel…so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Pet. 3:7). Modern readers are offended by Peter calling the woman a weaker vessel. But NT scholars point out that Peter is drawing a contrast to the pagan culture, which demeaned women for several reasons. Rome valued brute strength by which Roman legions had conquered the world. And it valued cold logic above feelings; reason was to rule their passions. By these false measures, women were devalued and abused in Roman culture.

In direct opposition to the culture, instead of denigrating his wife because she is a woman, a Christ-following man is to bestow honor on his wife because she is a woman. This so-called “weaker” vessel just happens to have the exact abilities and strengths that the male gender desperately needs. Instead of demeaning wives for being like fine crystal instead of clay mugs, or being intuitive, when we are logical, or being shaped by feelings instead of linear reasoning, godly men cry out “Viva La Difference.” At the very point at which abusive men call her weak, godly men protect and cherish her.

“Furthermore,” warns Peter, “if you don’t honor your wife despite her weaknesses God won’t answer your prayers.” The clue to this cause/effect connection comes later where Peter says that God won’t answer the prayers of the proud. “God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble” (5:5). Peter explains “If YOU don’t treat HER ‘weaknesses’ with grace, GOD will not treat YOUR weaknesses with grace—he will not answer your prayers for help.” “Husband, your need for grace is so massive that you cannot criticize anyone else’s need for it. If you don’t get that, you’re in such proud denial that I will resist any request for my help.”

C. The need to feel like she and her husband are full partners at home. Peter continues his admonition to husbands, reminding them that their wives are joint heirs with them of the grace of life. The emphasis is on equally working out God’s grace in our everyday family life. Husbands can fail to be full partners by being too independent, not recognizing how much we need our wives’ perspective on decisions or being too passive, letting the weight of decisions about the family fall on her. After all, she is more spiritual and intuitive about the kids than we are!

Because of the way she is designed, a wife naturally defaults to concern for her home, even if she spends much of her time away in the work world. Because of her hard wiring she can’t let go of her concerns. If her husband doesn’t step in and help shoulder the responsibility, leading in the physical, emotional, and spiritual care of the kids, she will do it alone and exhaust herself. She needs to feel that she and her husband are both carrying the responsibilities for their marriage, and home. After all, marriage to her means having a companion beside her as she travels through life meeting their responsibilities, together.

D. The need to feel valuable. Dr. James Dobson once wrote, “If I could write a prescription for the women of the world, I would provide each of them with a healthy dose of self-esteem and personal worth (taken three times a day until the symptoms disappear). I have no doubt this is their greatest need” (What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women.) God knew about this need way before Dobson figured it out! Did you know that the final command in the entire book of Proverbs is to give a godly woman the praise she deserves! (Prv 32:28-31).

Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.’ Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.

Notice the imperative God gives: SHE IS TO BE PRAISED! Husbands and children are to GIVE HER verbal affirmation. Period. Full stop. In Dr. Dobson’s study of depression among women mentioned earlier, more than fifty percent listed low self-esteem as the top cause of depression in their lives, leading him to write, “This finding is perfectly consistent with my own observations and expectations…. revealed within the first five minutes of a counseling session are: feelings of inadequacy, lack of confidence, certainty of worthlessness” (Ibid).  Of course, wives need to find their worth and identity in Christ. But God’s design for wives is for them to constantly be reassured of that truth through words of verbal praise, especially from her husband. You are called to meet her human need to feel valuable in a way that no other person can. You are the one who knows her best—body, soul, and spirit; so, your praise carries enormous weight. Since you are a part of her everyday life, you see the blows to her self-image that come and are in a position to continually counter those negative hits with affirmation. Not only that but she was created to complete YOU, as Eve was created to complete Adam. So, her God-designed identity is being YOUR suitable helper. Because she was created to complete YOU, she needs to know that YOU value her many feminine virtues. If her role is to help you, your assurance that she is the perfect mate for you meets a profound need in her heart. It is the regular PAYCHECK she needs. Are you paying her what she is worth in words of praise?

E. The need to feel in harmony with you. Colossians 3:14: And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. Our wives do not function well when there is tension in our relationship. Neither do we. But I think most men compartmentalize better than their wives. Someone has said, “Men are like waffles, wives like spaghetti.” Their everyday functioning in life is intertangled with us and their sense that all is well in our relationship. Obviously, couples go through spats, hurts, anger, and misunderstandings for at least two reasons. We’re fallen, and we’re different. (If two always agree on everything one of them is not necessary.) Every couple goes through periods of tension when life just hasn’t allowed them to work things out. Nevertheless, as the spiritual leader in your marriage, you need to know that unresolved conflict may be a lot harder on your wife than you realize. One tool to help with harmony may be an anger contract, which Dave and Claudia Arp propose in their book, Ten Dates for Mates containing the following elements:

  • We agree to tell each other when we are getting angry.
  • We agree NOT to vent our anger at each other.
  • We will ask for the others’ help in solving whatever is causing pain behind the anger.

F. The need to feel romantic attraction to her husband. In the Song of Solomon, God enters the bridal chamber, where the newlyweds lay entwined in each other’s arms. He raises his hand over them and blesses them. He urges them to feast on the joy of their sexual union. “Eat friends: drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers” (SOS 5:1) God commands husbands and wives to drink deeply and frequently of the refreshing waters of their partner’s sexuality. The same command to be sexually drunk with our mate occurs in Proverbs 5:19. Husbands must realize that a flourishing love-life with our wives is not selfish; it is a requirement for the spiritual, emotional, and physical health of husband and wife. Shannon Ethridge points out to wives the soul-nurturing component of sex in Every Woman’s Battle:  

“We women look for satisfaction through emotional connection, but this will not fulfill us unless it is celebrated through physical intimacy with our spouse. Even the deepest emotional connection is no substitute for genuine intimacy. Genuine sexual intimacy involves all components of our sexuality—the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. When these four are combined, the result is an elixir that stirs the soul, heals the heart, boggles the mind, and genuinely satisfies”

The gateway to wanting sex with their husbands for women is romance. What is being romanced, according to women? Here are their answers.

  • Romancing her means treating her like a princess. Pamper her. Treat her like royalty! One female said, “As long as he shows me that I'm special--no matter where we are or what we're doing—that’s romance.” (Sana and Miller, How to Romance the Woman You Love).
  • Romancing her means cherishing her. Once, while speaking to a Mothers of Preschoolers group, I asked the wives, “What makes you feel most loved by your husband?” They answered, “feeling cherished.” That means causing her to feel treasured, highly prized, deeply appreciated, precious.
  • Romancing her means making her feel beautiful with words. “I love your smile.” “I love the way you laugh.” “You look beautiful tonight.” “I love the smell of your hair.” “I love the touch of your smooth skin,” “You have the most beautiful eyes,” “You still have what it takes to light my fire.
  • Romancing her means lifting the weight of her responsibilities from her shoulders. Only when she stops feeling that weight will she be able to feel her sexual desire for you. That is why romantic weekends are so needful. That is why on date night YOU take care of the details. YOU feed the kids. YOU line up the baby-sitter and if sex is planned for the night you say, “Honey, I’ll put the kids down. Why don’t you relax in a warm bubble bath?”
  • Romancing her means making her feel cared for. Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus put it bluntly, “When she offers to help you organize your tool bench, it counts as an interruption. When you offer to vacuum the house, it counts as foreplay” (Simply Romantic Nights).

G. The need to feel unconditionally loved. Dr. Barbara Rosberg writes:

“Every wife shares this same need for unconditional love and acceptance. That became clear to us when a majority of our female survey respondents said that the need for unconditional love and acceptance was their number one love need. That’s not surprising when you think about it. We all need love, but we need it most when we deserve it least—when we have sinned against someone, when we have made poor choices, when we have failed. In these situations, ordinary love must become extraordinary love” (The Five Love Needs of Men & Women).

The truth is that every one of us is married to a wife who will, at times, continue to hurt us, be inattentive to our needs, and selfishly pursue her own way until the day we die. And her wounds, at times, reach deep inside to our very self-esteem itself. How do we overcome our inclination to shut down, withdraw, and wallow in self- pity, when her flaws repeatedly hurt us?  The only source of such self-emptying love is Jesus. He must produce it in us, or we won’t have it to give to our wives!

If this review of the needs of your wife’s heart is so daunting that you don’t know where to start, join the club. It’s called “Christian husbands.” But it is Christian husbands who daily depend upon Christ to produce AGAPE love in us and who quote God’s promise back to him: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Let’s believe that promise, ask for God’s power, and get to work!

For Further Prayerful Thought.

  1. What are the strongest arguments for a Christ-following husband to continually invest the nutrients into his wife’s hear that she needs to flourish?
  2. Take a moment to review the first three needs mentioned in the podcast/blog. Which of these needs do you feel best about meeting in your wife? Which do you most want to remember to focus upon in the coming days?
  3. Take a moment to review the last four heart needs mentioned. Which of these needs seems most important to you? Which one do you most want to remember to try to better meet in the coming days?
  4. How can you do a better job of being intentional about meeting these needs in your wife’s heart?