When I was a teenager, before Young Life taught me otherwise, I believed that when it came to sex, God was a celestial Scrouge looking over the banister of heaven to spot anyone who was having fun, so he could squelch it. Perhaps my thinking had been corrupted by the views of Alfred Kinsey, known as the Father of the Sexual Revolution, whose work became celebrated during my growing up years. Kinsey falsified his research and taught that children and teens were suffering terribly because their sexual desires were being repressed by Judeo-Christian values.
Just as all of God’s commands are for our benefit, in today’s episode we examine God’s command to protect one of the most wonderful gifts he gave to Adam and Eve, marriage and the sexual union that goes with it, the Seventh Commandment.
If you were to travel to nearly any college campus today and ask what the students thought of the Bible’s teaching about sex, the consensus would be that modern man has outgrown such repressive, culturally determined, biblical teaching about sex, gender, and homosexuality and certainly outgrown their grandmother’s prudish idea that anyone would save something as fun as sex for marriage.
However, God knows something about human sexual encounters. The nakedness required to give oneself, sexually, to another in any context other than in the safety of the Covenant of Marriage is destructive to the human soul. It damages and cheapens the precious gift of sex that God has given married couples to enjoy and unite them. This episode seeks to explain why God warns against having sex outside of marriage as is forbidden in the Seventh Commandment
OUR CULTURE CHEAPENS SEX
Let’s consider three messages our teens and young adults are hearing through social media about sex.
Message #1: Sex is just the enjoyment of physical touch that expresses ROMANTIC ATTRACTION to your partner. It feels good! And it arouses deeper romantic feelings, awakening bodily cravings to unite bodies which bring explosive pleasure. This worldview leads to “friends with benefits,” to an evening of “hooking up” with a sexual partner, with no commitment required. A multiyear survey of more than twenty-four thousand college students from twenty-two different US colleges and universities found that 62% reported having hooked up since the beginning of their college experience while 61% reported going out on a date (A Practical Guide to Culture, Stonestreet and Kunkle). To view sex as merely getting sexually aroused with a partner to the point of orgasm for casual fun and pleasure is a logical consequence of naturalism. If this physical world is all there is—then love, virtue, purity, and faithfulness mean nothing—they are mere biological reactions that produce chemicals in the brain. But is having sex just about satisfying a sexual appetite and having fun. Here are six reasons why reducing sex to mere bodily pleasure makes no sense.
- Everyone knows that true love, loyalty, and devotion to sexual faithfulness are more than chemical reactions. They constitute a moral virtue called love.
- Hookup behavior in college is correlated with depression and poor mental health. A 2014 study concluded, “For emerging adult college students engaging in casual sex seems to elevate the risk for negative psychological outcomes” (Ibid).
- Having sex is a profound experience of nakedness. Before sin entered the world, Adam and Eve were naked but not afraid. When sin entered the world, as a form of protection, God gave humans a sense of emotional uneasiness when we unclothe in a locker room, or our private parts are examined by a doctor. This innate God-given protection must be neutralized and then continually beaten back down to continue in hookup behavior.
- We all know that sex is more than just a physical act. The long-term emotional trauma of those who are sexually assaulted proves that such an assault is more than bruises on the body but the violation of the person.
- Research reveals that individuals with more sexual partners before marriage show less marital satisfaction. Conversely, having fewer sexual partners results in higher marital quality (A Practical Guide to Culture).
- Separating sexual desire from romantic desire is dehumanizing and perilous. Such a separation is at the root of prostitution, sex trafficking, and the endless ways that men have degraded women by exploiting them.
Here is an example of how we might respond to an acquaintance who commented, “Christians are too hung up over their Victorian sex ethics.”
“Tell me more.”
“Sex is just a natural biological function that we can enjoy without worrying about getting pregnant now that we have birth control. I love God too, but I don’t think He really cares about who I sleep with.”
“May I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“You said that sex is just physical. Do you think that raping a woman is worse than giving her a black eye?”
“Of course. I personally think rapists deserve the death penalty!”
“But why is SEXUAL assault any different than just PHYSICAL assault?”
“Because it violates a PERSON.”
“Right. Then aren’t you saying that sex is more than just a physical experience?”
Sex is far, far more than just a biological function that brings great pleasure.
Message #2: The normal expression of romantic love for someone is to have sex with them. This is especially true once you are engaged. The practice of regular premarital sex and sharing the same bed and apartment has exploded in recent decades in America. One quarter of all unmarried women between the ages of 25 and 39 are currently living with their sexual partner. Living together and having regular sex, it is thought, helps you see if you are compatible before you take the plunge. It is also a way to see if you and your partner can keep the sexual chemistry going. However, this logic turns out to be completely mistaken. Studies repeatedly show that having unmarried regular sex while living together increases marital DISSATISFACTION when the knot is eventually tied.
- People with cohabiting experience who marry have a 50 to 80 percent higher likelihood of divorcing than married couples who never cohabited. (The Ring Makes All the Difference, Glen Stanton).
- Researchers at UCLA “found that cohabitors experienced significantly more difficulty in their marriage with adultery, alcohol, drugs, independence than couples who did not cohabit.” (A Practical Guide to Culture)
- Though birth control is possible in our day and age, the fact that the result of husband and wife making love is the production of a baby is a very strong argument for the biblical view that sex belongs in marriage. Making the creation of succeeding generations of humans based upon their mom and dad’s passionate love for one another is the best possible design for a loving home in which a child can be nurtured. God’s design is incredible.
Message #3: Christians’ rigid sexual mores cause hatred for gay people. Researchers Dave Kinnamen and Gabe Lyons found this view to be pervasive among those under thirty outside the church, whom they interviewed for their book, UnChristian. They write, “You might as well have it tattooed on your arm: anti-homosexual, gay-hater, homophobic.” But do Christians’ rigid moral beliefs cause them to hate gay people? Let’s look at the facts.
1. Most humans believe that sex is more than a bodily function; it has always also been seen as a MORAL CHOICE. Along with most religions of the world, Christianity teaches that lust, adultery, polygamy, pedophilia, and homosexuality are wrong expressions of sexual desire. Same-sex attraction is like many wrong sexual attractions—to my neighbor’s wife, to my sister-in-law or to the idea of having multiple sex partners in an orgy.
2. Apart from any religious values, nature tells everyone that homosexual sex is a perversion. I hate to be crass, but sometimes the obvious needs to be stated. The female vagina was made to receive the male penis. Making love with your heterosexual partner makes the home where children are conceived a place where both mom and dad are present and in love. Homosexual sex places the penis in the part of the body intended to release excrement. This fact tells us a lot.
3. Sociologists have proven that children need both moms and dads to flourish. So different are the ways that men and women interact with children, that many sociologists say that there’s no such thing as “parenting”. There’s only “mothering” and “fathering.” From the way that they communicate, to the way that they play, to how they discipline, men and women offer distinct and complimentary benefits to children. Men don’t mother. Women don’t father. Kids need both.
4. The gay lifestyle is NOT just as normal and healthy as the heterosexual lifestyle.
a) Homosexuality is extremely promiscuous. Don’t be fooled. 75% of heterosexual men are monogamous.
- 4.5 % of homosexual men are monogamous.
- 2.7% of homosexual men were monogamous in a study of 2,583 men.
- 75-90 % of lesbians report also having sex with men showing that they are not monogamous.
b) Homosexual practice is also loaded with disease. Gay and bisexual men make up about 2% of the population but account for 55% of HIV infections (A Practical Guide to Culture). We’re just beginning to hear about monkeypox, which, like AIDS is spread by gay men having multiple partners.
c.) This sexual perversion is psychologically damaging, as we would expect.
The CDC found the following to be more prevalent among gay, lesbian, and bisexual students than heterosexual ones.
- Feeling sadness or hopelessness (60.4% compared to 26.4%)
- Serious contemplation of suicide (42.8% compared to 14.8%)
- Suicide attempts (29.4% compared to 6.4%)
THE RICH BIBLICAL WORLDVIEW OF SEX
“And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Gen 2:22-25).
In verses 24-25 our creator gives us the DEFINITION of marriage and the GOAL of marriage. Marriage, is 1) the joining of lives, i.e. leaving our past life with father and mother. This joining of lives requires entering a lifelong commitment to one another connecting our minds--getting to know each other, our emotions--sharing our feelings, joining our wills--giving up our autonomy and making joint decisions. So, the first part of marriage is joining lives—mind, will, and emotions. The second part of the definition of marriage is 2) the joining of bodies in sexual union.
The GOAL of marriage is given in the next verse: “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” The goal of marriage is loving intimacy that erases the aloneness of Adam and Eve. Marriage is given as the one safe arena where husband and wife are naked, body, soul, and spirit—laid bare and vulnerable to each other. When sin entered the world nakedness became dangerous, so the Bible tells us God made for Adam and Eve garments of animal skins to cover their nakedness. In a fallen world two people will deeply wound each other. Because I am a sinner, I have many shameful flaws and because you are a sinner you will deeply hurt me by rejecting me because of those flaws. And vice versa. Because you are a sinner, you have flaws and because I am a sinner I will use those flaws to reject and harm you. That is why God covered Adam and Eve’s nakedness and why we have shower curtains today. That is why God gives us an uneasy feeling when we are naked in front of someone else, even our doctor. It is God's gracious reminder not that the body is bad, but that nakedness exposes us, and such naked, vulnerable, exposure in a fallen world is unsafe.
God’s common grace solution to make this exposure safe is the Covenant of Marriage. It is only after bride and groom have vowed lifelong unconditional love and acceptance in front of every important person in their lives—God, the church, the state, their parents, their extended relatives, their friends—only then then can such intimacy be safe. Only then can such intimacy take away our human aloneness without producing emotional trauma, deep emotional scars, guilt, and shame. Only then can man and woman be naked and not be afraid.
Once a person has shared his nakedness in sex, there is no going back. There is no unknowing this other human at the deepest level. At the deepest level such sharing of nakedness bonds the lovers ever more deeply. In God’s design, married sex is the glue that holds the marriage together through the tumultuous experience of joining two lives. But outside of marriage, that glue works the same way. The intimacy glue of shared nakedness cannot be unshared. When the partnership ends, no matter how casual it was meant to be, the separation is like tearing apart two pieces of paper glued together—part of each partner’s very soul gets torn.
3 PRINCIPLES FOR PROTECTING OURSELVES AGAINST ADULTERY
A. Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life (Prov 4:23). It is extremely important to understand something about affairs; they do not start by jumping into bed together. They start by allowing a woman who is not your wife to be too emotionally of physically close to you.
Too EMOTIONALLY Close
- A woman at work starts to talk to you too much about her marriage.
- You talk to a woman at work too much about your marriage.
- You brighten up when you see her and emotionally start looking forward to talking to her.
- You realize that she is opening up and confiding in you too much or vice versa.
- You begin to understand that she really understands you in contrast to your wife who is critical.
- Talking about sexual things.
Too PHYSICALLY Close
- When you are on a business trip and as the team goes out to dinner, stopping by a lone female’s room or walking her back to her room and going inside the room.
- Giving friendly hugs that start to feel extra special.
- Drinking too much alcohol with a female friend at the end of the evening.
- Being in a female friend’s house alone when her husband is away.
Bouncing our eyes and avoiding situations to view porn are a part of the battle for sexual purity. But that is a completely different battle than protecting against an affair. Affairs start with emotional intimacy, just as good love-making to or wives should grow out of emotional intimacy. We must pit down emotional boundaries to never allow a woman not our wives to be too close. It is also important to know which female friends you are attractive to you or you resonate with. I have many sisters in Christ I love. But I don’t talk to them except at our couples’ study or at church and I try to get closer to their husband than them, if I can.
B. Invest heavily in the EMOTIONAL intimacy of your marriage. Most divorces are initiated by wives who did not feel emotionally engaged with their husbands in their everyday lives. Proactively pursuing emotional intimacy your whole life with your wife is the best way to prevent either of you to be tempted into an affair. Here is the target;
“The word intimacy comes from a Latin word that means innermost what this translates into for those of us in the marriage relationship is a vulnerable sharing of our inner thoughts feelings spirit and true self both men and women need to feel secure in this sharing and confident of their spouse's support the support is achieved through listening empathy prayer and reassurance from Barbara Rosberg the five love needs of men and women.” (The Five Love Needs of Marriage)
C. Never stop pursuing your wife romantically. Proverbs 5: 15-12
Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?
Our marriages are not like cars to be taken for granted and then fixed when they break down. They are like lush fruitful vines that provide the richest of wines. But we must tend them, week, them, fertilize them, pour the water of encouragement on them to keep them flourishing. Here are some bullet points from the new book we are publishing entitle, Extreme Allegiance.
Game Plan to Romance Your Wife
- Romancing her means finding out how her day went and listening for what is on her heart. Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus explain further: "There is no greater turn on for a wife than having her husband listen and hear what she is saying. Women need to talk,,,"
- Romancing her means lifting the weight of her responsibilities from her shoulders. Only when she stops feeling that weight will she be able to feel her sexual desire for her husband. One wife said to her husband, “Could we not make love with that full clothes basket in the room? That just makes me keep thinking about the laundry I need to do.”
- Romancing her means making her feel cared-for. Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus put it bluntly, “When she offers to help you organize your tool bench, it counts as an interruption. When you offer to vacuum the house, it counts as foreplay.” Lovemaking is an act to a husband but an environment to a wife.
- Romancing her means touching her heart before touching her body. A wife needs to feel in love in order to want to make love. Sharing her heart precedes her wanting to share her body.
- Romancing her means treating her like a princess. As one thoughtful woman said, “As long as he shows me that I’m special—no matter where we are or what we’re doing—that’s romance.”
- Romancing her means cherishing her. While speaking to a Mothers of Preschoolers group, I asked the wives, “What makes you feel most loved by your husband?” They answered, “feeling cherished.” That translates into making her feel treasured, highly prized, deeply appreciated, precious.
- Romancing her means remembering the magic of flowers. Family Life Today conducted a large study of what caused a woman to respond romantically to a man. The most frequent response by a wide margin was “receiving flowers.”
- Romancing her means helping her get into a romantic mood. Help her relax physically with a foot massage. Bring on the candles and soft music (if she likes them). Although spontaneous lovemaking is great, it often helps wives “get in the mood” when they can mentally prepare for sex ahead of time.
- Romancing her means telling her she is desirable. Solomon’s heart is captured by the Shulamite’s beauty, and he uses words to describe her attractiveness, e.g. the nectar of her lips, fragrance of her garments, beauty of her mouth, face, neck, breasts, etc.
The Bible teaches that when it comes to the temptation to adultery, the best defense is a great offense.
For Further Prayerful Thought
- What is your opinion of the modern view that sex is just a way to satisfy a normal bodily appetite? How would you explain that the biblical worldview of protecting the vulnerable intimacy of sex by placing it in the Covenant of Marriage makes more sense than the secular view?
- Why is it easy for even Christian couples who get engaged to rationalize having sex. How would you persuade a brother to stop doing so?
- Why do you think advocates of the gay lifestyle use the ad homonym argument to label those who disagree homophobic? Why is it loving, if you had the chance, to guide someone AWAY from the gay life?
- Which practical step for resisting the temptation to adultery most stood out to you?
