One of the best insights I learned as a dad, was the difference between authority and leadership. Authority coerces obedience through punishment or the threat of punishment. Leadership is the influence in a child’ life that makes him WANT to obey our requirements and God’s Word. As we saw last week, BOTH are needed. Compassionate discipline is required to enable young children to internalize the truths that they cannot always have their way, the world does not revolve around them, and they must learn to “say no” to their impulses. But leadership, especially when kids are older, goes beyond the authoritative use of consequences. It makes kids want to follow the example of their dad. This episode examines how to love our kids well, building our love relationship with them, which also increases our influence in their lives.
The influence we have in another’s life is almost always directly related to the quality of our relationship with him or her. That is true both at home and in the workplace. For example, business consultant J.C. Staehle, found that resisting the direction the leadership wanted to go was the result of a breakdown in relationships: Here is what employees identified as the symptoms of relationship breakdown:
- Failure of management to give credit for suggestions.
- Failure of management to correct grievances.
- Failure of management to encourage.
- Management criticizing employees in front of other people.
- Management’s failure to ask employees their opinions.
- Management’s failure to inform employees of their progress toward goals.
- Management’s favoritism.
Those same symptoms reveal relational breakdowns within the family. How can dads avoid such breakdowns and pattern our fatherhood after that of God? Let’s look at three ways God builds our love relationship with him, with some practical ideas for HOW WE CAN FOLLOW HIS EXAMPLE:
A. GOD IS A WELCOMING FATHER
God is a father who, when we turn to him, runs to us with open arms. We see this characteristic of God’s nature in the parable of the prodigal son. We read that when the prodigal came to himself, he said,
“How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father. BUT WHILE HE WAS STILL A LONG WAY OFF, HIS FATHER SAW HIM AND FELT COMPASSION, AND RAN AND EMBRACED HIM AND KISSED HIM (Luke 15:17-20).
The welcoming love of our heavenly father gives us the foundation we need for emotional and spiritual strength. Paul reminds Christ-followers of their status in the court of God, You have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God (Rom 8:15-16) The word Paul chose was the word for dad or daddy, instead of the word PATER for father. Its connotation is affection, closeness, dependency. Theologian, J.I. Packer describes the relational implications of the doctrine of adoption that go beyond justification:
“Justification is a FORENSIC idea, conceived in terms of LAW, and viewing God as JUDGE... But contrast this, now, with adoption. Adoption is a FAMILY idea, conceived in terms of LOVE, and viewing God as FATHER. In adoption, God takes us into his family and fellowship, and establishes us as his children and heirs. Closeness, affection, and generosity are at the heart of the relationship. To be right with God the JUDGE is a great thing, but to be loved and cared for by God the FATHER is a greater thing.” J. I. Packer, Knowing God.
Here are three ways to project the message to our kids that we WANT CLOSENESS with them—that our heart is ALWAYS WELCOMING towards them:
1). Always be available to them as priority over work. One of the former presidents of the United States, whose relationships with his adult children was exceptional, had a policy concerning his phone. No matter what high-level meeting he was attending—in business or in the affairs of the world—they could always get through to him by phone. You may have to handle interruptions to your work differently, but the message you need to send is the same: YOU MATTER TO ME MORE THAN WORK. Here is, A perspective On Time for Fathers:
- A child cherishes a father’s presence above all else.
- You have a very short time in which to be the major influence in your children’s lives.
- Little time = little influence.
- You can’t buy back lost time.
- The world, deadlines, contracts and so forth will always be there—your children won’t.
- You can almost never spend too much time with your family.
- The thief in American homes today is too much phone time.
- Whatever intimacy parents and teens enjoy is almost always cultivated before the age of twelve—rarely after it.
- Out of quantity time come the quality moments.
- If you make time with children when they are young, there will be opportunities and even requests from them for time with you, when they are older.
2). Lead from our own brokenness. Your kids probably already have you on a pedestal, and, honestly, feeling respected by them feels good to the masculine soul (also making it easier to lead them.) Its also good to share your excitement about your successes. But sharing our failures is what builds bridges into the hearts of others. This truth became especially clear to me at the close of a men’s retreat on sexual purity, some years ago. As the guys were asked what they had gotten out of the retreat, Bob rose to his feet. Struggling to speak through his tears, he said, “I want to confess to you brothers that I need help with my Internet pornography problem. I’ve only been married two years. I thought marriage would fix the problem, but it hasn’t.”
Slowly Sam, stood to his feet, “Brothers, I too have a major problem with pornography.” Then Bill stood to confess the same problem. Then Brian confessed the same problem and offered to start a support group. Struggling with many sins, especially lust, is too painful for our sons to even think about coming to us about. But being vulnerable about our own temptations and failures (with discretion) sends a powerful message to both our sons and daughters—no matter how shameful your failure—my arms are ALWAYS open to you.
3). Communicate our open arms to them by tirelessly telling them how precious they are to US.
- how much you enjoy them
- how interested you are in their world
- how much you value their opinion on things
B. GOD IS A FATHER WHO TAKES THE INITIATIVE TO BUILD THE RELATIONSHIP
The Apostle John wrote, We love, because God first loved us (1 John 4:19). God, our father and bridegroom took the initiative to draw us to himself with the cords of love. He initiated. We responded. Here are two ways for dads to follow God’s example:
1) GO INTO OUR KIDS’ WORLD. The Word because flesh and tabernacled among us. God does not comfort us from a distance. He is the GREAT HIGH PRIEST taking the ultimate step in compassion, imprisoning himself in a human body for the rest of eternity. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin (vs 15). The principle of fathers going into the world of their kids—based upon the principle of incarnational ministry is a precious truth to me. When I was 16, I noticed a guy hanging out at our high school games with a bunch of my high school student government friends. He led some kind of wild life thing just for the kids at my school. I later found out that he was, John Hartsock, a Young Life leader. I wanted to go to Young Life meetings, His World, because HE had come into the world that mattered to me—MY HIGH SCHOOL WORLD.
I believe that when we spent extra effort to go into the world of another, it sends the powerful message that we care about what matters to them. That concrete expression of love opened the door of my heart to see Christ’s love in a deeper way through my Young Life leader’s messages. Trying to follow this example as a dad, I remember going to watch my son’s tryouts for his middle school soccer team—and noticing that there were no other dads there, visiting my daughter who worked as a clerk at CVS, and seeking the permission of my son and the owner of an industrial lawn mower manufacturing company to get a tour of the plant, where my son was working. One of my closest friends, who is 77, is putting this same principle into practice. He has completed 162 straight days of Duolingo learning Spanish because his daughter married a Spanish-speaking man whose English is limited—just to be able to better build a relationship with his son-in- law. That is incarnational love. That is telling his son-in-law that he MATTERS to Bob.
2) TAKE THE INITIATIVE TO SCHEDULE TIME TOGETHER ON YOUR CALENDAR. That same friend who is learning Spanish began the practice of taking his son with him to ride all the best roller coasters in the best amusement parks in the country. Until my tribe reached high school, I met with a different one of my kids every Monday morning. Often it was for breakfast. Other times, it was to do something together like roller skate, learn tennis, or go to the ice-skating rink. There was something special back then about a “date” with dad. Even now, as a father to adults, it is MY responsibility to find out the best way to invest the time with my kids that they need in a way that best works for them—even as they get very busy with their own families. I don’t mean we should be dependent or selfish—just that my commitment to recognizing the special significance of my role as the father of my children—doesn’t end until I no longer have the mental faculties to father them. So, God takes the initiative to build his relationship with his kids.
C. GOD IS A SUPPORTIVE FATHER
We’ve seen that the term, Abba, is a special term for closeness, affection, and dependency. The degree to which God the Son looked to God the Father for support, as he faced the cross, is revealed in Jesus’ words in the garden of eden. “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death”…. And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, “ABBA, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me.” (Mark 14:34-36). The Father did not grant Jesus’ request; however, Jesus’ anguished request reveals his confidence in the Father’s unwavering love and support for him. This aspect of a father/child relationship may be the easiest and most obvious. Nevertheless, it is worth noting two ways that fathers need to provide this strength-giving, relational support to their children.
1). Give affirmation. Listen to these words, explaining the painful deficit to one child’s heart, desperately starved of affirmation: The wife of a very successful business owner had died. She consulted psychologist Maxwell Maltz to find out why their son refused to have anything to do with taking over his dad’s business.
The son explained, “I would have loved to take over the family business, but you don’t understand the relationship I had with my father. He was a driven man who came up the hard way. His objective was to teach me self-reliance, but he made a drastic mistake. He tried to teach me that principle in a negative way. He thought the best way to teach me self-reliance was to never encourage or praise me. He wanted me to be tough and independent. Every day we played catch in the yard. The object was for me to catch the ball ten straight times. I would catch the ball eight or nine times, but always on that tenth throw he would do everything possible to make me miss it. He would throw it on the ground or over my head, but always so I had no chance of catching it.”
This man, whose father had crushed his self-esteem, grew up feeling like he could never please his father or ever measure up. The first of the podcasts in this month’s fatherhood series goes into more detail about the importance of supplying affirmation to the hearts of our children (S2 June 6, Episode 32).
2) Be a supportive father by moving towards your kids when they are experiencing pain and don’t worry about what to say. One of the precious fatherhood memories I have took place on a long walk to the bus after a crushing defeat to end my sons senior high school football season. They were blown out in the second round of the playoffs by a better team—yet the way they lost, by the linebackers, corners, and safeties being shredded was just a tough way to end his season. My son felt like he and the linebacking core had let the team down and the emotion, along with it being his final high school game, washed down his face. He was the leader of that year’s team. He was the last to leave the field and walk the 75 yards to the bus. One of my greatest joys as a dad was to just walk beside him to the door of the bus—saying nothing.
God is a 1) welcoming father, 2) a father who takes the initiative, and 3) a supportive father. The more we follow his example, the more we build our love relationship with our kids. I’m not saying this is a panacea. Our kids have their own rebellious heart to contend with and no one can change that heart but God. Nevertheless, OUR INFLUENCE IN OUR KID’S LIVES IS LARGELY THE RESULT OF THE QUALITY OF OUR LOVE RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. I want to close with these words from a son whose father and mother did build a strong love relationship with him. The son’s name was Dan Huff and his story is cited in the Great Dads seminar. Dan writes,
When I got to the point one time of saying, ‘I’m going to rebel, I’m out of here, I can’t deal with my folk! They don’t know what they’re talking about!’ I remember thinking very specifically, ‘I can’t rebel against them—they love me too much!” And I hated them for that! Now this may sound odd, but at that point I couldn’t rebel. I wasn’t an angel, but I couldn’t turn my back on hat kind of love. I wanted to, and that’s what made me angry. If there had been any flaws in the ways they loved me or any hypocrisy on their part, any dishonesty or patronizing from them, then I think I would have found my hole and escaped through it. But I couldn’t find that hole…Let me close with one statement that says it all. My dad was the best man in his three sons’ wedding.
For Further Prayerful Thought
1. Why does it make sense to you that a person’s influence in another person/s life depends on the quality of his relationship with that other person?
2. What stood out to you about how to be a welcoming father?
3. Do you agree that part of fatherhood is taking the initiative to build your love relationship with each of your children? How might God be leading you to take more initiative to build this relationship?
