The father of a third-grade boy named Johnny decided to pick him up right after school and take him out for a “dad date” for lunch. The father recounts the incident. “I pulled up to the school playground and before I could get out of the car, Johnny opened the door and got in. I remarked, ‘Boy that was fast.’ And he answered, ‘Yeah, I know. I wanted the kids to see who I was going to lunch with.’ Then he rolled down the window and yelled good-bye to his friends.” Proverbs 17:6 says, The glory of children is their fathers. It’s hard to overstate how much every child longs for his dad’s love, attention, and approval.
This is the second episode in our January series, Leading Our Homes Well in a Culture That Doesn’t Want Us to Lead. No dad reading this blog wants to fail his child. But, as we saw last week, leading our homes at this cultural moment requires heading into gale force winds. Furthermore, as we also saw last week, our calling to be the head of our homes is staggering. It not only makes us accountable to God for directing our family members in the way they should go, but also calls us to help them reach their full, God-given potential, protect them physically, emotionally, and spiritually, from harm, and continually refill their emotional tanks with unconditional love. Family leadership isn’t for the half-hearted. And it is not always appreciated by our followers! Let’s be honest. Johnny was a third grader, not a teen. A more realistic picture of teen attitudes towards their dads comes from Mark Twain, who said, “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant that I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at much he had learned in just seven years.” Our leadership won’t always be appreciated! What is worse is that our leadership attempts can fail, disheartening and demotivating us. But as Wayne Gretzky has pointed out, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” So, let’s look at what leadership at home looks like, so we can give it our best shot.
We begin by identifying the three components of leadership: 1) The leader is assigned this responsibility in the family by God. We must avoid thinking that being a leader is having the gifts to be an upfront person. As we saw with Johnny, the glory of children is their father. God gives all children a natural inclination to welcome their father’s influence. 2) The followers are our wife, kids, and since family headship is multi-generational, our grandkids. Leadership isn’t a position on an organizational chart—it is impacting those under our care to follow us. “He who thinks he is leading when no one is following is only taking a walk.” 3) The destination is the third part of leadership. Leaders take their followers somewhere. There is a goal to achieve, a destination to reach. Many men fail to lead because their destination is fuzzy and ill-defined. The goal of our spiritual leadership at home is mature discipleship. God’s destination for the members of Christ’s Body is spelled out in Ephesians 4, when he explains the goal of church officers: to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to MATURE MANHOOD, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ (vs. 12-13).
When it comes to the leadership process, there really are only 3 questions that need to be answered to be an effective leader. Where am I going? How can I inspire my followers to come with me? How are we going to get there? The answers to these questions define the process of leading.
1. The leader has a clear understanding of and stays focused on the goal: The leader is called the leader because he is out in front of his followers going hard after the goal. Paul said, One thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus… Brothers, join in imitating me. (Phil 3:13ff). So, we must be striving hard after Christ. But our kids don’t need an example of perfection; they need an example of one who, though he falls because of his sin—just as they will—gets up quickly and gets back in the race. What we model is DIRECTION not PERFECTION.
2. The leader motivates his followers to come with him. There are two vital components of leadership influence. 1) Structural or positional influence. Bosses motivate their employees structurally by paying them, giving them raises, or threatening to fire them. Fathers exercise structural influence by firmly disciplining their children. Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him (Prov 13:24). Firm discipline is critical for children. Consequences are vital training in godliness during a child’s early years. But as parents transfer the responsibility for their lives to their teens, the strength and quality of our relationship with our kids dramatically impacts our influence. Researcher Virginia Hearn interviewed 37 Christian adults raised by Christian parents, asking the adults, “What did your parents do right to steer you towards Christ?” One man responded, “My father was my counselor, pastor, teacher, and friend…My parent’s authority was not something that was beaten into me; they won my respect and loyalty with their actions…My father’s devotion to Christ was transparent. I think I grew to love the Lord because I loved my father, and you just couldn’t separate the two” (What They Did Right).
3. The leader equips his followers to reach the goal. This may be the most neglected part of spiritual leadership at home. The leader EQUIPS and ASSISTS his followers to keep taking steps towards spiritual maturity. The best leader is not a hero; he is a hero maker. Effective leaders 1) help their followers see their own potential, 2) encourage them to discover their own, God-given gifts, 3) equip them with training needed to succeed, 4) give them honest feedback. Last week we saw that our leadership role in marriage calls us to strive to present our wife to Christ in all her radiant inner beauty. Dads have this same calling to help their kids reach their fullest potential spiritually, mentally, and physically. Dads often understand this part of fathering in the sports arena. We do everything we can to help our kids discover their athletic gifts. We take them to countless practices, get them the best coaches, and root obnoxiously for them during the games. Bob Hamrin of Great Dads asks Dad, Do you put as much energy into helping prepare your child to succeed spiritually as you do athletically?
For the rest of this episode, we will zoom in on this first part of the leadership process—clearly defining and staying focused upon our goal.
THE DESTINATION: WHAT DOES A MATURE DISCIPLE LOOK LIKE?
When it comes to being effective spiritual leaders of our homes, we begin by asking, “what is our destination?” As the Cheshire Cat said to Alice, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.” We observed that Paul said the goal of spiritual leadership is spiritual maturity as disciples. When Jesus gave us this Great Commission, to go and make disciples, those hearing it understood the meaning of that word, disciple. Bands of disciples with their masters were not uncommon in Jesus’ day. Everyone knew that a disciple (MATHETES) was a FOLLOWER of a master. Jesus’ hearers knew three things about disciples:
1) The disciple had the deepest kind of PERSONAL FRIENDSHIP with the master because they did life together. So, a disciple is called TO Christ—to enjoy a love relationship with him. Christ’s primary role as HIGH PRIEST is to enable us to achieve this foundational part of our mission, experiencing a personal relationship with God. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need (Heb 4:16-17).
2) The disciple PATTERNED HIS WHOLE LIFE on the teaching and example of his master. The disciple’s greatest goal was to be like his master. So, as Christ-followers, WE are called to BE LIKE Christ—to holy, Christ-like attitudes. Christ’s primary role as PROPHET helps us achieve this part of our mission. The Word proclaimed calls us to repentance and we are sanctified, i.e. made holy, through the truth (see John 17: 17).
3) The disciple, as a “follower” joined in HIS MASTER’S CAUSE. Jesus came into the world to overthrow the kingdom of darkness and establish his kingdom of righteousness. Joining in that mission means we are called to EXERCISE DOMINION FOR Christ—to implement Christ’s righteous agenda in our role as husband, father, employee/employer, neighbor, church member, steward, and ambassador of the kingdom.) Christ’s primary role as KING is to overthrow evil and establish his kingdom of righteousness over the earth. He sends us out to further his mission. Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness (Matt 6:33).
So, the target on the wall in family leadership is us all growing in the three parts of our calling from Christ—to him, to be like him, and to exercise dominion for him. The accuracy of this three-part understanding of our calling is verified by its perfect correlation with Jesus' three offices, priest, prophet, and king. As leaders, first and foremost, must be our commitment to these callings in our own lives. Paul wrote to Timothy: You know all about my teaching, my way of life, my purpose (2 Tim 3:10). Paul called attention not just to what he had said, my teaching, but to his everyday way of life, and even to what Paul was pursing as his mission, my purpose. Paul stayed focused on his mission, leading from his life.
FOCUSING ON THESE 3 DISCIPLESHIP CALLINGS OURSELVES!
A. We are Called TO Christ—to enjoy a love relationship with him. Question #1 of the WCF Shorter Catechism is: What is the chief end of man? The answer is “to glorify God and enjoy him forever.” Humans are designed so that only when our hearts are regularly being refreshed by delighting in God, knowing how much he delights in us, are our affections aligned properly. Perhaps, that is why God makes such a staggering promise in Psalm 37:4. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. John Piper makes an astute observation about the cost of failing to feast on a steady diet of God’s love:
“One reason lust reigns in so many is that Christ has so little appeal. You were created to treasure Christ with all your heart—more than you treasure sex or sugar. If you have little taste for Jesus, competing pleasures will triumph. Plead with God for the satisfaction you don’t have. Quote Psalm 90:14, 'Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love that we might rejoice and be glad all our days.' Then, look, look, LOOK at the most magnificent person in the universe until you see him the way he is" (Desiring God).
Three Hindrances to Enjoying God
- Looking for ultimate satisfaction in other places. Because of the fall, our sinful nature directs us to seek heart satisfaction in any place but God himself. Whatever things we look to for soul satisfaction become idols. As foundational as our vocational call is to discipleship, our work exposes us to a treasure trove of intoxicating rewards: recognition from coworkers, titles that build our self-esteem, authority that makes us feel significant, financial rewards that let us wear things, travel places, and buy things that make us feel good. But as David discovered, real joy is being in God’s presence. In your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore (Psalm 16:11).
- Inability to grasp the truth of our adoption as sons. Many men have grown up with fathers who have been absent or emotionally distant, leaving them with no pattern for relating to their heavenly father. Initially, they will have trouble building a personal relationship with God. But if they persevere, the reality of their adoption as sons will become very precious, as will calling God, “Abba.” For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him, we cry Abba, Father (Rom. 8:15-16). J.I. Packer describes the power of adoption. “Adoption is a FAMILY idea, conceived in terms of LOVE, and viewing God as FATHER. In adoption, God takes us into his family and fellowship, and establishes us as his children and the heirs. Closeness, affection, and generosity are at the heart of the relationship. To be right with God the JUDGE is a great thing, but to be loved and cared for by God the FATHER is a greater thing.” (Knowing God).
- Busyness: No relationship can grow without frequent time together. In a culture dominated by screens, our focus is constantly riveted to the outer, physical world, not the inner world. We do not default to shutting out the physical world to commune with God. Time to feast our hearts on God’s love and delight in us will not happen without taking charge of our schedule and structuring intentional time to do so.
B. We are Called to BE LIKE Christ—to holy, Christ-like attitudes. One of the must fundamental truths of life is that God’s main tool for developing Christ-like character is everyday trials and frustrations. A careful look at the context of the verse we often look too when things are going wrong—all things work together for good for those who love God who are called ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE—reveals that Paul explains what that purpose is: to be conformed to the image of his Son. What this biblical truth means is that every frustration, pressure, difficulty, and trial of life, although painful, is an opportunity to develop Christ-like character. Jeff Kemp in his recent book, Facing the Blitz, compares these trials and frustrations to a blitz in a football game. Pointing out that the word blitz means "a sudden overwhelming bombardment," Kemp takes us back to a Monday Night football game when he was quarterbacking the Philadelphia Eagles, and they were playing at Houston. The game was tied 3-3 and they had worked their way down to the Houston 20-yardline. But it was third and eight. He writes,
“The instant the snap from the center hit my hands pandemonium broke loose. Houston threw everything they had in my direction. Two extra linebackers were bearing down on me, with the free safety approaching at a sprint after having snuck up to the line of scrimmage…As I dropped back, I was fully aware that in the next few seconds something very bad—or very good—was about to happen. Thankfully, during my time in the league, I had learned not to panic at the sight of a full-on blitz. In fact, the first thought that went through my head that night was, If I move quickly enough we’ve got a touchdown…I couldn’t see much, with so many Houston players blitzing, especially with the free safety in my face. The ball flew from my hand and hurled past the ear hole of the blitzing free safety.”
It turns out that his All-Pro tight end Keith Jackson had seen the blitz and played it perfectly. The ball sailed into his arms and Jackson sprinted across the goal line for the winning touchdown. I believe Kemp’s analogy is a good one. We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as frustrations, trials, and pressure. These are opportunities to grow Christ-like.
“But,” says Kemp, “many of us, when facing a life blitz, only see the negative and not the opportunity…Trials can humble and even hurt us, but they can also teach and motivate us. It all depends upon the attitude we bring to the blitz. The key is our lens. If we get bogged down by the frustration of the circumstances and think only about survival, a blitz will be primarily negative and possibly devastating. However, if our mindset is to look for something more, for the blessing hidden amidst the challenge, a blitz gives us a chance to live our lives at an entirely different level.”
When frustrations and trials blitz us, we need to figure out which aspect of Christ-like character, those specific challenges require us to demonstrate, virtues like faith, patience, forgiveness, and loving those who are hard to love.
C. We are Called to EXERCISE DOMINION FOR Christ—to implement Christ’s righteous agenda in every sphere of our lives. The task assigned to Adam and Eve was to SHAPE the culture. To accomplish this part of our mission we need to be equipped to winsomely articulate the biblical worldview of the issues of the day. A resource I recommend is the Colson center’s What Would You Say website, which contains over a hundred 6-7-minute videos on topics like, gender, sex, abortion, homosexuality, critical theory, socialism, separation of church and state, etc. To illustrate, here is a summary of the text from, Is the Bible Still Relevant?
You're in a conversation and someone says, “the Bible just isn’t relevant anymore. Our world has moved beyond it.” What Would You Say? Three points to make:
- Atheist historian Tom Holland argues in his book, Dominion, that freedom, human rights, orphanages, hospitals, women’s rights, care for the poor, and opposition to things like slavery were birthed from Christianity’s influence on the world. “[The idea] that every human being possessed an equal dignity was not remotely a self-evident truth. A Roman would have laughed at it…The origins of this principle lay not in the French Revolution, nor in the Declaration of Independence, nor in the Enlightenment, but in the Bible.”
- Modern science is a product of biblical assumptions. Most of the founders of modern science were Christians. Men like Blaise Pascal, Johannes Kepler, Isaac Newton, believed certain things about the universe that made science possible. The scientific method itself relies on biblical worldview assumptions. This is why empirical science only emerged out of and flourished in the Christian West.
- The Bible is the most influential book on the planet. By 2050, the number of Christians globally is expected to top 3 billion, and a third of them will live in Africa. So, by 2025, Lifeway predicts that 110 million Bibles will be printed every year. The Bible has been translated into over 700 languages Though, at present, it may have fallen out of favor in the West, if current trends hold, it’s not the Bible, but dismissive ideas about the Bible, that will become increasingly irrelevant.
Effective family leaders know their destination. Their leadership begins, as the Apostle Paul's did, with staying focused on their mission themselves: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
For Further Prayerful Thought:
- What did you learn about the leadership process that you want to remember?
- In your own words, what is the destination that Christian men who are leading their homes are pursuing with their family members?
- Why might it be argued that investing in your calling to love God with all of your heart, mind, soul, and strength while drinking in his love for you is the foundation of our mission?
- How can you better connect the frustrating blitzes of your life to the qualities of character God might be teaching you through them?
- When might you steal an hour to spend on the website What Would You Say, to get better equipped to verbalize the biblical worldviews on the issues of the day as salt and light?
